DAVID LALLY: Welcome to “The Brian Buffini Show” where we explore the mindsets, motivation and methodologies of success. I’m David Lally, the producer of the show, and today I’m thrilled to introduce a six part bonus series called How to Love and Be Loved. It’s taken from a CD series Brian produced several years ago with Joe Ehrmann. Joe, a former NFL player, was once named Baltimore Colts man of the year. During his football career, he earned a degree in theology and became an ordained minister. He spent decades dealing with issues of poverty, racism, and child abuse in Baltimore’s inner city. He’s a renowned motivational speaker and celebrated high school football coach. His unique style of motivating high school players would love instead of shame is the subject of the bestselling book “Season of Life.”


Joe now leads the NFL foundation funded Inside Out Initiative, aimed at implementing education-based athletics that are core-curricular, character-based and lead by transformational coaching. In this series, Brian and Joe will share from their own personal journeys of emotional healing and walk you step-by-step through a process that will help you experience fuller and more meaningful relationships, and ultimately discover your true purpose for living. So let’s join Brian and Joe for How to Love and Be Loved, Part 1: Understanding Yourself.

BRIAN BUFFINI: Welcome to our series on how to love and be loved. This is Brian Buffini and I’m in the studio with my great friend Mr. Joe Ehrmann. Joe, great to be with you here today.

JOE EHRMANN: Great to be with you. Thank you very much.

BRIAN: Great to have you here. I’m very excited about what this course offers. For those of you listening, I believe it may be one of the most impactful, personal growth courses you may ever experience in your life. The content we’re going to cover is how to love and be loved, turning the wounds of the past into your purpose for the future. The great longing of every human being in this world is to love and be loved. We’re going to share with you how to do that in a very deep and impactful way. We have six specific topics we’re going to cover in this series.

The first topic is going to be how to understand yourself. If you cannot love yourself, you’re not capable of loving anyone else. We’re going to teach you specifically how to go through the process of understanding yourself. The second major process we’re going to cover is the three wounds of love. We’re going to talk about how to analyze, understand, and ultimately be healed of these wounds that prevent people from getting to a deeper level of intimacy and love with themselves and with other people. The third part of our program is developing empathy for self and others.

How to develop that positive empathy for yourself, to have understanding, empathy and then to ultimately grant that gift to somebody a gift to someone else, which will create an opportunity for more love in your relationships with yourself. The fourth major part of our program is the process of healing and the purpose of healing. We’re going to share with you how to go about being healed from the wounds of the past and ultimately how to become strong and healthy to the core. The fifth part of our program is how to experience full relationships; full relationship with yourself, full relationships with others. The sixth and final part of our course, is how to find your transcendent cause, your purpose, that’s like a tuning fork inside your heart and soul, that you feel passion for every single day, that you use the challenges and the wounds of the past to impact other people’s lives. To be filled with love for yourself, for others in your personal relationships, and then ultimately, for your purpose and your transcendent cause.

I have been deeply impacted by this information. Joe Ehrmann’s had an opportunity to impact thousands and tens of thousands and hundreds of thousands of people all across the United States and even overseas. Joe, you have some profound content to share with us here today. Maybe in our beginning of understanding ourselves and our first topic, maybe you could share with folks a little autobiographical information and share with them a little bit about your story and how you ultimately came to understand yourself and where the source of all this content came from.

EHRMANN: Well, what I know Brian is that my own personal transformation and moving toward holistic relationships and finding my cause has always been out of the struggle to face my own pain, to struggle with the dark side of who and what I am. My journey has been a long journey from Buffalo, New York, into the NFL. I played 13 years of professional football. I went to seminary while I was playing ball, have done inner city ministry for a long time, and have come to conclusions about how you bring healing and wholeness, how you help people and enter into relationships and a cause.

BUFFINI: You’ve been involved with in your inner city ministries with people dealing with abuse and racism and marital issues and personal problems. You’ve worked with thousands and thousands of people on a one-on-one basis using your gifts to help them be healed, for them to enter into a deeper relationship with love and ultimately for them to move on and find their own cause.

EHRMANN: Not only is it dealing with people that are in great pain, but it’s also dealing with people that have power and access to bring systemic change in this society. I spent 13 years as a football player and looking back over that, the thing that impacted me the most was the concept of a team or a community. The NFL what you have is 53 men. You have men from the inner cities, of suburbs, the farmlands of America. Every year they come together to form this community.

In this community, what you had to do was seek the highest common values for the greatest common good. You’ll learn that your well-being was going to be taken care of in the well-being of the community and to be an asset to that team, you had to put aside your own personal goals, hopes and ambitions. That’s the challenge in this society, isn’t it?

How in this society did we come together across old racial, social, economic, geographical, religious divisions, the common creative society where every man, woman, and child has the opportunity to live with the dignity and the status that God has assigned to them? How do we create communities where we live, where every boy and girl has the opportunity to reach his or her fullest potential? That involves entering into relationships. Relationships that are other-centered, other-focused. That involves finding some kind of cause some kind of purpose in this world.

BUFFINI: Before we’re capable of getting into relationships with other people, we got to have a relationship with ourselves, right?

EHRMANN: Yes, honest, truthful relationships with ourselves. All of us have been wounded on life’s journey. We’ve got to find some kind of healing, so that we can be connected to people at our deepest levels intimately with our souls and with care and compassion and with empathy.

BUFFINI: And you would say that the barriers for people to be in an intimate loving relationship with themselves and others are the wounds of the past, are the areas of their life where they’ve been hurt, in the areas or life where they perhaps need to find a healing. There’s folks that go, well, my life is good. I’m just looking to get it better, and maybe even unaware of any wounds or hurts they have in their past.

EHRMANN: That’s right. To me, after all those years in the city, my conclusion was that in this country, there’s a crisis that has to be dealt with because in this crisis is the solution to all of the psycho-social, spiritual problems we face. We have to deal with this crisis to bring hope and healing throughout this country. That is the crisis of masculinity, because men are wounded in profoundly deep ways and then wound other people as well.

The woundedness of men, I think, in this country come from three broad basic lies about masculinity and what does it mean to be a man. What I’d like to do is just talk about it and ask those listening with us, what is your definition of masculinity? What’s it mean to be a man? How do you know when you’ve become a man? Whoever modeled nurtured or defined or trained you in becoming a man? I’d ask the women the same thing. What does it mean to be a woman? What defines femininity? How do you know when you’ve hit your fullest stride in all of your womanhood, exercising your whole gifts.

Ultimately, becomes a question about humanity. How do we become fully human? How do we enter in and know how to love and to be loved in this society? I take young boys in this country, they’re fed the first lie about masculinity in the playground developmentally school. As young boys in first or second grade in this country, we’re taught that somehow masculinity has something to do with athletic ability, something to do with size and strength and skill and aggression.

That masculinity has something to do with being able to compete against other boys and men and win. Think of the playground, the boy they can catch it down and out or hit the hanging curve, he gets elevated in that society. He’s seen as having a little more value, a little more warmth, a little more manly, if you will.

Those other boys are pushed to the periphery of the playground. They’re faced with this inability already as young boys to make it in this pervasive world of sports. They feel feelings of failure, they have non-membership already with their peer group in the society. They have this rigid masculine code that tells them that they must reject everything that’s feminine. From an early age, sensitivity and empathy and timidity are all rebuked and taunted on the playground.

BUFFINI: It’s a weakness.

EHRMANN: Well, it’s seen as a weakness. You have all these boys check in on each other. They get this concept that to be a man is to compete and to win. Then later on in life in junior high in high school, you get the second line of masculine. That is that somehow masculinity has something to do with sexual conquests, the ability to use and manipulate young girls or women, use them to gratify your own physical needs, or to use them to validate your own insecurities about your masculinity.

Then the third lies later on in life we’re taught that somehow masculinity or manhood can be measured in economic terms. Somehow you can see masculinity based on job titles or power, position or possessions in the society. I would say all three of those are lies.

BUFFINI: You’ve described it as from the ball field, to the bedroom to the billfold.

EHRMANN: That’s exactly right.

BUFFINI: As the three lies of masculinity in our society today.

EHRMANN: It sets up men for tremendous chaos.

BUFFINI: No question.

EHRMANN: You can look at most of the social problems in America today, and you can trace them back to these three lies. Whether it’s boys with guns or girls with babies or the morality of boardrooms all across this country. What are the social consequence that come out of the confusion that men are in? Think about America for a moment. America is the most violent nation of all the industrialized nations in the world. We represent 4% of the world population. Yet, we’re 25% of all incarcerated people. Somehow men have gotten the idea that they can use size and strength and weapons to hurt and control other men.

Think about violence toward women in this nation. There’ll be over 650,000 rapes in America alone, 1 to 3 million women will face some physical and or sexual abuse and intimidation by their intimate partners alone. The most dangerous place in America for women today is the home. There’ll be one out of four teenagers dating relationships involve some physical and or sexual force, a word of men get the idea that they can use size and strength to control manipulate and hurt other women.

Look at the plight of children in America today, the richest most powerful nation in the history of the world. Today, we have 13 million children that live in poverty in this country. We have 9 million children that have no access to preventive medical care. Think about that for a moment. We know more about the neurological, psychological, and physiological development of children that at any other point of time in the history of the world, and yet in America today, we have children right when their brains and bodies are forming, that face some hunger or lack of nourishment in this country. We’ll have 3 million children in America this year that will be reported either abandoned, abused or neglected. That’s one every 10 seconds. By the time we finish this, there would’ve been hundreds of children in this country that are treated in a way that must break God’s heart. Now, this doesn’t just happen. This is the result of wrong definitions of masculinity, wrong moral, political, and economic choices that we make in this country.

BUFFINI: What you’re saying, Joe, is in defining how to love and be loved, that for men, the ball field, the bedroom, and the billfold is how they receive love and acceptance. It’s actually, “Here’s how I know I’m doing a good job, if I’m able to compete athletically. Here’s how I know I’m doing well as a young man, is if I’m able to notch up sexual conquest on my belt.” Then later on in life, I know I’m doing well if I’m able to do well financially.

Basically, as you’ve said before, my net worth and self-worth are tied in together, how big the car I drive, how big the house I have, how many zeros after the paycheck, so on and so forth. These barriers here grow to become a blockage between us truly being not only intimate with other people but ultimately being true to ourselves. These consequences you’re talking about societally are the byproducts of individuals, a whole group of individuals growing up with the wrong concept of what it takes to be a man, what true masculinity is.

EHRMANN: I think that’s exactly right. I think it’s even deeper than that. I think young boys in this country and men in this country at early ages shut down on the very emotions that are needed to enter into relationships with other people, the ability to cry with people, and empathy, and compassion. We’re taught that somehow in America, those are feminine traits, and we need to move away.

BUFFINI: Boys don’t cry.

EHRMANN: Boys don’t cry. Boys don’t need. Boys don’t feel. Boys don’t touch. It sets up men for being able to enter into relationships and not bring all of themselves to them. What do most women long for? They long for a man or a husband that can bring those emotions and share them and connect to them and weave their souls together.

BUFFINI: Tell me what you think. Tell me what you feel.

EHRMANN: That’s the number one complaint, isn’t it? We try to justify that as men by the way we provide for, by the things that we do. I think that’s the crisis in America.

BUFFINI: It’s the John Wayne, strong, silent type. The people who don’t share their feelings, don’t share their thoughts. That’s the definition of masculinity.

EHRMANN: Yes. I think the reality is that when you have those feelings, and you’re told that they’re not legitimate, they’re not really masculine, they’re something that you really ought not to have or to be ashamed of, what it does is it starts setting up boys to live out of some kind of bluff. Some kind of pretense, some kind of façade, built on what? The ability to compete against other men and women, the ball field, the bedroom, and the billfold.

BUFFINI: It leads to being fake, being phony, or going to extreme measures to try to receive acceptance in those areas.

EHRMANN: Exactly, right. It creates all this pathology that permeates every aspect of the society.

BUFFINI: How does this manifest itself with women?

EHRMANN: Well, I think young girls are told three basic lies about their femininity and their womanhood. I think at an early age in this country that somehow we’re teaching young girls that their value, their worth, their ability to be loved and accepted is based on body type and size. We’ve got all kinds of young girls. Look at the eating disorders problems. Look at all of the number of issues that young girls are facing, thinking that somehow their body type and size has something to do with their value as human beings.

When they enter adolescence and start dating, they’re taught that sexual attractiveness measures who and what they are. Who determines sexual attractiveness? You’ve got eight supermodels that nobody else in the rest of the world looks like. Young girls got to hold up to that kind of value. I think the third thing is that they’re taught, that materialism, it’s what you wear and what you own and how you present yourself, makes you a woman.

You’ve got this whole myth to young girls that life is about finding prince charming that can come and take you away and give you the life that you’ve always striven for. Today’s culture, to me, the lines between pop culture and porn culture are so blurred. I think girls are in tremendous sense of confusion about what does it mean to be a woman.

BUFFINI: Again, these three lies for the women cause a barrier for them to love and be loved.

EHRMANN: I think so.

BUFFINI: That they’re trying to be loved for their body type. They’re trying to be loved for their attractiveness. They’re trying to be loved for their possession or position. They’re trying to receive love by being something perhaps that they’re not, or trying to be someone else’s idea of what they should be.

EHRMANN: Exactly right. They just associate just like boys have to shut down certain feelings, girls have to shut down part of them sometimes as well. What really confuses the thing, if that’s the definition of femininity, then what are all the boys, and the young men looking for?


EHRMANN: A certain body type and size, a certain look, certain attitude and possessions, and presentation. What are the young girls looking for? They’re looking for athletic guys that can compete and win against other men that have all kinds of sexual virility to them, and that have some economic success. We’ve got all these young boys and girls looking for all the wrong things in each other, and none of them feeling good about who and what they are because there’s this tremendous sense that I don’t measure up.

BUFFINI: The consequence of that is that we have relationships in crisis. One out of every two marriages ending in divorce. Those numbers are only holding true because so many people aren’t even getting married anymore. There’s a tremendous barrier to relationship, a tremendous barrier to love because everybody’s running around looking for the false thing and not really being a representation of themselves. Basically, if I, myself, it’s not enough and I won’t be loved.

The man thinks that, and the woman thinks that, the boy thinks that, the girl thinks that. Then it gets passed onto the next generation. These very same false patterns for men and women, we pass them onto the next generation and the next and the next, and that happens with moms, and that happens with dads. I know you’ve had a lot of input on the patterns that fathers have in raising these young boys.

EHRMANN: Yes, that’s exactly. If you don’t come to grips with your own woundedness, your own pain, your own false concepts, and false self-identity, then these problems are going to go from generation to generation. I think about America today, two out of five boys will go to bed tonight without their biological dads in the family. There is a father longing, there is a fatherlessness in this country.

There is a lack of ability to grow up in families and feel the security of a mom and dad that love each other. I think the greatest thing you can do for a child is to let your child bask in the security and the warmth of the love that a husband and wife has for each other. Children are growing up with tremendous insecurity. They’ve got this cultural message about who and what they are, and they have this problem within our homes in America as well.

BUFFINI: Joe, share with us, what does it mean to be a man? What does it mean to be a woman in this society so that you can love and be loved?

EHRMANN: Well, let me tell you, I think there’s only two criteria to measure success as a human being, both as a man and a woman. This is part of my own personal journey. I was a boy that grew up in a home without my father. My father really wounded me in many, many different kinds of ways. My father’s concept of what it means to be a man was men don’t cry, need, feel, touch, all of those things we’ve talked about. I grew up in a community where I learned that I could be somebody in this world by becoming an athlete.

The athletic ability piece was strong to me and I was given great physical size and strength and athletic ability. I determined early in my life that I was going to become an athlete. I went to high school and it was a high school, all American. I went to college, it was an all American college of the first-round draft choice in the NFL. I lived according to those three lies. I had the athletic ability, I had the sexual conquests and now entering into the NFL, I was going to hit the third part of that trinity, and that would be the economic success.


EHRMANN: I came into the NFL, I had my first contract and somehow I felt that that wasn’t enough. I wasn’t finding purpose. I wasn’t entering into a good point in my life, even though I had achieved and acquired at that point in time. I thought it must be the next contract. I needed more money, more awards, more women, a bigger house, those kinds of things. Had that next contract and still nothing but futility and emptiness in my life.

I was seven years into my professional career when I think I lost perspective. The thing I kept perspective about in life was the love I had from my mother, two sisters, and my brother. Now, my brother was 10 years younger than me not having a dad in the house. I raised him, not only as my brother but as my son. When he was five and I was 15, I was somebody to be reckoned with in my community. He came to me with all of his questions and his answers, and I always had the solutions for him. I taught my brother those same three lies. “If you’re going to be a man, suck it up. Learn how to give a punch, take a punch, and drive yourself to be an athlete.” Coming out of high school, he was getting ready to enter his freshman year of college to play football. I got him a job working with my team, the Colts. I wanted him to be able to come in and spend a training camp with us so that, one, he could learn the ethic of a professional athlete. Two, that he could learn the skills and techniques that would ensure him great success in college, and then follow me into the NFL.

I’ll never forget, the first week of training camp, I was on a taping table getting my ankles taped for an afternoon practice when he walked up to me with this massive black and blue mark all over his chest. I really looked at that and didn’t think much of it because of his own pathological drive, his wanting to validate this masculinity of men by playing ball. The trainer saw that, sent him to the doctors for a blood test. That night, I got a call from Johns Hopkins Hospital, “Bring your brother down here.”

I admitted him into the hospital, and the doctor pulled me aside and said, “Listen, your brother’s got cancer, and it’s a type of cancer where there’s virtually no hope for him whatsoever.” I was devastated. I was devastated, one, by the thought of losing the person that I probably love the most in this entire world. I think I was equally devastated by the reality that everything I had built my life on and around, those three basic lies could offer him no hope at a time of his deepest crisis and need.

After five months in the hospital, I took Billy home so that he could die in my house in Baltimore, not wanting him to pass away in the middle of the night. I’ll never forget pushing him down that corridor in his wheelchair, thinking he was going to an almost instant death. I put him in my car and I drove him to the stadium. There, my teammates came out, they lifted him out of the car, and they put him in the whirlpool. Each one of them came around him and in a very clandestine kind of way said goodbye to him.

We went home and had his dogs and his friends come down from Buffalo and celebrated an early Christmas. It was the very next morning that I found him dead on my waterbed. While I had five months to prepare for his death, the reality and the finality of it was devastating. I’ll never forget jumping spread eagle on top of him and just screaming in his ears, trying to bring him back. We took his body and flew it back up to Buffalo.

My teammates and coaches came. The Buffalo Bills players and coaching staff came. In this little funeral home in the heart of Buffalo, hundreds of cars went to the cemetery for this 18-year-old kid. The turning point in my life was standing in that cemetery. The snow’s blown, it’s freezing. I look out, there’s hundreds of people out there. I’m standing next to his casket, next to the open grave. I hear the last amen said, and everybody turns and starts to walk away.

The burning question deep in my heart and deep in my gut was, “What is the purpose of life? Where does meaning and value come from? Do you live, have some good time, some bad times, and then you die and everybody walks away? What is the purpose of life?” I’m seven years in the NFL. I had acquired and achieved beyond my wildest expectation. I had lived according to that masculine code, and I had no concept about life.

BUFFINI: The ball field, the bedroom, and the billfold didn’t do Billy any good.

EHRMANN: Didn’t do Billy any good. In reality, it didn’t do me any good at all. My questions became these, “Who am I? Why was I put on this earth in the first place? Is there something for me to do?” Ultimately, the question became, “What does it mean to be a man? How do we define humanity? Whether it’s as a man or a woman,” and it started me on a long spiritual journey, deep inside my own depth of my soul, asking those questions.

My conclusion is this, after many years of dealing with this issue, there’s only two criteria to measure life against, whether you’re a man or a woman. The first is this. All of life is about relationships. It has to do with the capacity to love and to be loved. I know this from being a pastor, sitting on the deathbed with many young men and women preparing for the next stage of life. The questions at the end of life center around relationship. The questions at the end of the life are these, what kind of husband was I? What kind of wife? What kind of mother? What kind of father? What kind of son? What kind of daughter? What kind of citizen was I? What kind of member of the community? What kind of coworker? Everything boils down to this ability to connect and relate to people. If you haven’t been relationally successful, life ends up becoming extremely unfulfilling. You can only measure success in terms of relationships.

Now, think about how we raise boys in this country. We raise them the total opposite of that. We raise boys to be independent, to be autonomous, “Go be your own man.” It’s part of this crisis of why the average American male has less than one friend. We don’t know how to reveal who and what we are. We’re afraid to show those deepest emotions that fulfill our humanity. We’re stuck on these false lies of masculinity. Girls, at least in this country, are still given the freedom to enter into relationships as young girls, to bring all of those emotions to them. What does it mean to be a man and woman? I think it has to have something to do with the capacity to look someone in the eye and say, “I love you,” and then receive that love back.

I think the second criteria to measure our masculinity and femininity is at the end of your life, when you want to look back over and know that you were fully man or fully woman, is you ought to have had some kind of cause, some kind of purpose in your life that’s bigger than who and what you are. I call it transcendent cause, meaning that it’s bigger than going through life just worried about your own personal goals, aims and ambitions. At the end of your life, you ought to be able to look back over and know that the world is a different place, a better place, because you lived, you loved and you were involved and you lived that at some kind of other-centered purpose.

BUFFINI: Well, you know what, Joe, this stuff is so profound and I know that people listening to these will find that to be the same. This content has had tremendous impact on me and my own family. I have six children, three boys and three girls, and this content has had me analyze my own interaction with my children. It’s revealed in me I’m the guy who has learned to be very self-reliant.

I was an immigrant coming to America and I became what one person described as a self-made millionaire. I look back on it now and I realize some of the processes that this content has helped me do is uncover some of my own wound and some of my own barriers that needed to crash down so that I could have more intimacy and relationally with my wife, with my friends and with my family and to break those patterns with my own children. I look forward to that very process for our listeners here today.

What applications would you recommend to maybe get to an understanding of where they are themselves with regards to the three lies for men and the three lies for women and if and perhaps they’ve bought into any of these? Ultimately, before you move forward, you got to know where am I at? What’s the status? Before you go build a house, what am I looking at, what have I got? What would be your first recommendation for people, as an application to go do something with this information?

EHRMANN: I think the journey has to be inward. We’ve got to recognize all of these false concepts about who and what we are. All of these false definitions that have been presented to us about what it means to be a man or a woman. I would suggest throughout this whole series that everyone start journaling. Get some kind of journal where they can write in there and start reflecting on what their beliefs are. I ask every mom and dad, you’re raising sons and daughters, what’s your definition? What are you using to raise them toward? What’s the goal? What’s the object there?

In order to do that, I would just challenge you, write out the definition about what does it mean to be a man? How have you been measuring your own self in terms of your masculinity or your femininity? Then go back and think through your own life, because to journal is really to journey. It takes you deep inward. Write out those issues about who were the role models when you were a young child. Think about being an adolescent or pre-adolescent. Who did you look to as the definition of masculinity or manhood? Who was it in your home or in your family? Who was it in the movies or on media that you thought that, “I want to identify with that man or that woman”? Because I think that is the essence of who and what it means. Start taking those journals and just starting to write out. Then I’d ask everybody, think about your mom and dad. Write three words that describe your dad, three adjectives. Write three adjectives that describe who and what your mom was. I think if we can start correcting and redefining our concepts of humanity and masculinity and femininity, then we’ll be long on this road towards some healing, some wholeness, to be entered into relationships, to love and to be loved.

BUFFINI: Powerful. As you know, Joe, I’ve presented to more than a million people and I am constantly communicating with people the power of journaling, the benefits of journaling, and how it can ultimately impact and change a person’s life. It certainly had a profound impact on my life and many of the mentors that I’ve come in contact with, whether it be Jim Rohn or Zig Ziglar. Many of these people have had a profound impact on me personally, and each one of them one on one has always shared with me the power of journaling.

You’ve been at an event where I’ve given out 5,000 journals to an audience. It’s something I’m deeply committed to and I’m so delighted that this is part of your practical applications. One tip I give to the audience listening is when you go buy a journal, buy a really nice one. When you buy a $2 journal, you put $2 thoughts inside. Anti-up a little bit, buy yourself a nice journal, make it something personal.

For me, when I first journaled because I have certainly followed the pattern of ball field and bedroom and billfold, I was not necessarily overly emotional or in tune with my feelings. When I first started journaling, I started making lists. They look like grocery lists. Here’s what I did today and when I wrote down concepts everything had a bullet point next to it. What I would first encourage somebody is it doesn’t matter how you do it. You’re not going to be Jane Austen the first time you do it, or probably William Shakespeare. If you’re already predisposed to be like that you’re probably already journaling.

Then specifically do the best, you can’t buy a nice journal, find a quiet spot, and try to do it in the same place at the same time each day. Find a nice chair, some soft classical Baroque style music is very helpful and then sit down and write out what Joe’s talking about. Do your best with this. If you find yourself making lists, if you do one word, no problem, just do the best you can.

What we’re trying to do is help you recreate new patterns. Before we do that, we have to have an understanding of where we are so that we’re very intentional about how we live our life. Very intentional about how we love and how we receive love. When you do that, you’ll find yourself well on your way to understanding yourself and be in a position to provide more love and receive more love.

What we’ve learned in this section, in understanding ourselves is that there are three lies of the false self for men and three lies of the false self for women. For men, it’s perpetrating ourselves in the ball field and athletic competition, the bedroom and sexual conquest, and the billfold that our net worth and our self-worth are the same.

The three lies for women, body type, sexual attractiveness, and material possession and that redefining this definition for ourselves will ultimately help us live more healthy lives. We also learned that relationships and finding a transcendent cause is ultimately the byproduct of having a healthy image of masculinity for men and femininity for women.

DAVID LALLY: Thanks for listening to part one of How to Love and Be Loved. We learned that relationships and finding a transcendent cause are ultimately the byproduct of having a healthy image of masculinity for men and femininity for women. Be sure to join us for part two, The 3 Wounds of Love.

And as I sign off today, I’ll leave you with the Irish blessing from Brian’s mom, Therese.

THERESE BUFFINI: May the road rise up to meet you, and may the wind always be at your back. May the rain fall soft upon your fields, and sun shine warm upon your face. And until we meet again, may God hold you in the hollow of his hand. See you next time.