DAVID LALLY: Welcome to “The Brian Buffini Show” where we explore the mindsets, motivation and methodologies of success. I’m the producer David Lally and in today’s episode we’ll cover part 4 of How to Love and Be Loved with Brian and Joe Ehrmann. You’ll learn a six-process for healing from the wounds of your past. You’ll also discover how healing is a continual life-long journey that eventually leads to becoming a full human being, someone who’s truly able to love and be loved. So now, here again are Brian and Joe.

BRIAN BUFFINI: So far we’ve covered understanding yourself, analyzing the three wounds of love, developing empathy for yourself, and for others. Now we’re going to focus on the very process of healing itself, and ultimately the purpose of healing. Joe, talk us through the actual process that the folks listening to go and become the person they’re capable of being, to love and be loved, as they were designed to do, that there’s a process they’re going to go through. Maybe you could give us an overview of what that process looks like.

JOE EHRMANN: I want to take us through six steps. The first step we’ve already covered and that is that you have to name the wounds. There’s a certain reality that whatever we resist is going to persist in our life. The more we avoid or deny or suppress the wounds of our life, the more they continually show up. Healing involves some choice. The question is not the fact that we’re wounded but as adults, what are we going to do with the wounds that we’ve already named?

You can take all those woundedness that we’ve shared and just rate them and the intensity of the emotion. Go from 1 to 10 and rate whatever emotion you’ve been experiences. We’ve talked about this woundedness and mark those down. Remember that the mind or our subconscious doesn’t hide things from itself. They continually stay there. They keep playing. Those old wounds and the messages that came from those wounds continue to play.

BUFFINI: Just like an old record.

EHRMANN: Whether you’re aware of it or not, or whether the volumes turned up or not, it’s playing. The first step is you’ve got to name the wounds. Let me give you an example about even when the volume of these old wounds is turned off. I’m 56 years old. I’ve been on this journey for a long time toward healing, toward wholeness. About six months ago, my wife and I were on a car trip and I have this arthritis in my hand.

So she’s rubbing them with lotion and soothing them and she makes this comment that says, “Boy, your hands are soft.” I jolted behind that steering wheel and I had this visceral emotion because the volume suddenly got turned up that men don’t have soft hands. My dad was someone that had old cut wounded kinds of hands. A man had hands that were not soft. He learned how to make a living on the strength of his back and using his hands, so the volume gets turned up. That’s something that I would have never identified but once I named that wound, I had a stop and I had a journey into that wound. Take it back to where it was, name the wound, and then continue on this healing process.

BUFFINI: We were talking before about how we can have behaviors and patterns that– We can close the closet door and lock it shut. You were saying that you don’t do anything that involves being handy or using tools and whatever else. That goes back to an old record as well with your dad, right?.

EHRMANN: Yes. That’s something that the volume I discovered some time ago. I always remember as a young pre-adolescent boy, my father sending me into the house to get a crescent wrench. Now, I had no idea what a crescent wrench was. I took a guess in his toolbox came back out and I suspect it was a monkey wrench or a box wrench or something. I remember him saying to me, “You stupid SOB, I wanted a crescent wrench.”

Well, to this day, a tool is like a hot ember in my hands. I haven’t ventured back toward tools or correcting or trying to fix anything in my house for a long time. In fact, whenever my car has to go to the garage, I’m always tempted to lie when they asked me what the questions and say, “Well, this is my wife’s car.” I don’t know a carburetor from–

BUFFINI: You don’t want to be embarrassed.

EHRMANN: I don’t want to be embarrassed because I got this old woundedness that men know how to fix things. Men are strong and tough and those other wounds that we’ve talked about.

BUFFINI: They know what crescent wrenches are and they know all the technical problems with something.

EHRMANN: It’s manly thing to be able to do that.

BUFFINI: Sure. These things, sometimes they just pop up even when you’ve been on the journey as long as you have. Sometimes you may not think of it. For some people, they might have the similar crescent wrench experience and it’s not like a hot ember in their hand, but they just don’t touch it like, “Hey, I’m not good with money. I just don’t do the bills,” and those kinds of things. We can have these patterns. Then sometimes this situation will occur and there’s a tremendous emotional reaction to it, right?

EHRMANN: That’s exactly right.

BUFFINI: What you’re saying is you need to sit down and analyze, “Why am I feeling this emotion?” On a scale of 1 to 10, how intense is it and then perhaps analyze, “Okay, is that logical?” My son just dropped a pop fly in centerfield and, and I’m having a meltdown, I feel terrible. It’s like the bottom of the barrel just dropped out or whatever. On a scale of 1 to 10, how strong does this feel? This is an eight. Then logically analyze it and say, “Gee, should I be feeling an eight over a pop fly?” Isn’t an eight like the death of a friend?

EHRMANN: It’s a reality check.

BUFFINI: Take a little reality check. That’s the first thing that pops up and that’s our little reality check, our little reality test to see where we’re at. Your response to that is the process there is to name the wound, understand it, and then start the next process to get past it.

EHRMANN: Hold on to that emotion, what triggered that emotion and then in some discipline of silence, solitude, or meditation or reflection, take the time to take that emotion and walk it back through to where that wound came from. Why this journaling process again is so important.

BUFFINI: Very powerful.

EHRMANN: Just write that down and then journal through that.

BUFFINI: You bet. What’s the next step, Joe?

EHRMANN: Well, I think the next step is that you’ve got to find someone that you can share with. It’s been said that everybody needs two kinds of people in this world. One that all of us need someone who deeply believes in you, someone that has your best interest at their heart. The second thing is we need someone in our lives that we can share this journey with, this healing process with.

Someone with whom we can share our most intimate and deepest secrets. You can’t just hide in this world behind the facades that we built, based on our woundedness. We’ve got to have someone that we can open up with, someone that you can trust, someone you know that’s not going to hurt you. You can give them their secrets, they can help hold you accountable, and they can journey with you as you go into these wounds.

BUFFINI: Super. Find someone to share with and then you’ve got to trust them. Even if you share with them, you might not always get the response you want. You still got to trust them anyway, right?

EHRMANN: Oh, yes. I’m not even sure you’re looking for a response. It’s not so much a response. It’s the ability to bring the verbiage those words and then be able to verbalize them and express them. The deep part of the process.

BUFFINI: Great. What’s the next step?

EHRMANN: I think the third step is you’ve got the mind and dig deep for truth. You’ve got to keep digging deeper in what really happened. What really is your story? What really are the secrets that you and your family know all about but nobody ever talks about.

BUFFINI: The elephant under the carpet.

EHRMANN: The elephant under the carpet. You’ve got to keep thinking about all of these old formulas that you have and dig deep into them. All of us have some kind of fear of failure, thought that we must maintain some certain standards or levels of achievements to feel good about ourself. We’ve got dissolve formulas about fear of rejection, that I must get the approval of others to feel good about myself. See, that ends up creating a person that’s going to be a people pleaser, no matter what the personal costs. We’re also overly sensitive to criticism, and we end up withdrawing from meaningful relationships to avoid potential disapproval.

Keep digging on these truths. Some of us have a fear of punishment. If I fail, I’ll be unworthy of love and should be punished. This either produces someone that’s going to focus on perfectionism, have some kind of pathological drive to succeed, or we’re going to just not try to have accomplishment and successes in our lives. A lot of us as we’ve talked about have feelings of shame. We think that somehow who I am as a person is wrong, that I cannot change, that I’m hopeless.

BUFFINI: How do you go about digging for the truth? How do you go about that?

EHRMANN: It begins with naming the wound, finding someone to share about and again, to get back into these disciplines like journaling. I’m going to take that story and I’m going to keep reworking and reworking and connecting dot to dot to dot as I get to the reality of the deepest part of these truths.

BUFFINI: What’s the truth about me? What’s the truth about my family? What’s the truth about our interaction? It’s interesting how we always believe what we were raised is the right way. I like to tell the story of my wife and I, Beverly. I’m raised in the Southside of Dublin, in Ireland. My wife is born in Sumter, South Carolina. I’ve mentioned this story in many of my live presentations about how you can have differences over the smallest things.

That can be huge, huge issues, because it’s a touchstone for how you were raised or what you believe to be true. We had a situation where we got back from our honeymoon and went grocery shopping together for the first time. I had bought a house, Beverly moved in after we got married. I move in. We go grocery shopping together. We go to the grocery store and the girl checking us out says, “You want paper or plastic bags?”

Beverly goes, “Paper bags, please.” We get home. We go through unloading the groceries and I notice she’s folding these brown paper bags up in this little pouches, to make them really compact. Later on that day, I see them jammed between the refrigerator and the wall. I thought this is really odd. It’s strange, never seen it like that before. I call her over and I go, “Honey, these bags here it looks like a bit of a fire hazard, and on top of that doesn’t look very good, does it?”

Now, what I have to say is that most men can’t tell you the moment their honeymoon ended. I can. I can tell you the moment because all of a sudden it was like– I could see her, she was upset. She didn’t want to say anything and she just walked out. I was like, “What? Don’t tell me this is the elephant under the carpet.” Of course, I did what everyone else does. I said nothing. We keep go grocery shopping and she keep collecting the bags, and the collection grew. She never seemed to do anything with them.

I did what most husbands do, I stayed silent and festered. Just kind of like whatever, whatever. I go down a few months later, there’s a family reunion in Sumter, South Carolina, her whole family’s there and yaddy yadda. I walk into her grandma’s house, Grandma Sally Belle. Grandma Sally Belle says to me, “Little Irish boy,” that’s what she always called me. “Can you go get me some iced tea?” I walk into the kitchen, and I open up the fridge and get her some ice tea. What what do you think I noticed? That there is a collection of bags.

It must be 50 years old jammed around every crevice of this refrigerator are all these brown paper bags for years and years and years and it hit me I was like, “Ah.” When I told Beverly that those bags were a fire hazard and it didn’t look very good, that’s what I said but what she heard was you weren’t raised right. Your family was wrong. How your family view things was wrong because it’s different than my family. You follow me? Throughout our lives, you get simple things like brown paper bags, but then you might get into a relationship where you might have different views on how your family use money.

You might have come from a family where your father was a spendthrift, or someone comes from a family where someone’s a miser. You think, “Well, that’s the right way to be. That’s the way to be responsible. Money is about freedom. You just got to go with it and spend what you have,” and you bring that into a relationship. You just think that’s the way it is and there’s this constant banging head. When you’re talking about digging for the truth, there’s a lot of things we hold to be true, which aren’t.

EHRMANN: Exactly.

BUFFINI: There isn’t a right or wrong way to deal with a brown paper bag. It’s not a moral issue. It’s not a family value issue. It’s just what are we going to do together? People think, “I don’t have these wounds. I don’t have these situations,” but you have these differences that come up in your life all the time, that are barriers to relationships. My communication with my wife over the brown paper bags was a barrier to our communication and therefore, a barrier to our relationship. Something as simple as that. Digging for this truth, it requires you to ask the question, why do we do the things we do?

EHRMANN: Yes, and who gets to tell us and define what truth is? Because we’ve already looked at this cultural lie about masculinity and femininity. Those are lies, but they come from people that we trust or from our culture. Life really is about digging for the deeper truth and the meanings of life.

BUFFINI: You bet. What’s our next one?

EHRMANN: The next step is going to be, release the energy. You’ve got to take the energy of your, the essence of who and what you are, and you’ve got to get in touch with that energy and you’ve got to really know what you know. You’ve got to give yourself permission to really feel what you feel. Emotion is energy. Let me give you an illustration about being able to verbalize or express that emotion, that energy in our lives.

I remember my brother first got diagnosed with cancer. I took him into the hospital. It was a third day he was in that room, starting this horrendous dying process. I remember just taking a pillow. I took that pillow and I just put it over my head. I just started to sob. It was the first time I took that pillow because men don’t cry.

BUFFINI: Sure.

EHRMANN: I’m 27 years old and it’s the first time I gave myself permission to experience the energy, the thought of losing someone that I tremendously love. I had to get in touch with those feelings of the grief and the loss that I was coming in contact with. I gave myself permission to weep and to express that in a physical way. I had to overcome the old truth; men don’t cry, need or feel.

BUFFINI: What happened there was you hadn’t cried probably in whatever, maybe 20 years.

EHRMANN: I think a good 20 years.

BUFFINI: You did the right thing. It might not have been perfect and that’s a great example there because doing it is the key and that you releasing that energy, you releasing that emotion ultimately led to a transformation in the rest of your life. If that emotion had stayed continually bottled up, you might have had to continually numb that pain out. You might have continually medicate that pain out. You might have used that pain to fuel your anger on a football field. You might have pancaked a couple of offensive linemen and gotten a bigger contract, but you’d have been still empty and unfulfilled in your life.

You could have used that emotion to pursue pleasure or to numb it down with drugs. There was all kind of different ways. Either way, that emotion was going to go somewhere. It doesn’t just stay neutral. It’s like fire. Fire can either heat your house and cook your food, or it can burn your whole house down. We all have these emotions. I want to tell you even for me the word feelings, growing up in Ireland, feelings were not a good thing for a man to have.

I had a hard time even saying the word. I could actually communicate emotions because it was more logical but feelings, I have feelings on the subject. I remember somebody asked me, “What do you feel about that?” I remember, “I don’t know what I feel about that.” The fact that you say, “I don’t have those emotions. I don’t have those feelings.” The fact is, it’s still there and it shows up in energy.

For me, not verbalizing emotions in other areas of my life has manifested in showing emotion in one area of my life and that’s anger. As we’ve talked about before, anger is considered an acceptable emotion. That’s a manly emotion. For a person who wasn’t good at communicating his feelings, or communicating his emotions, or releasing that energy, a lot of that energy got translated into anger. I could fly off the handle real quick.

It was interesting how we rationalize it because I would tell people, “I burn hot pretty quick, but then I’m over it.” It wasn’t until I got married, where I said that to my wife one time, and I said, “I get over things pretty quick.” She says, “I know you do, honey, and you do forget,” but it’s the rest of us that take a while to get over it. It’s the rest of us that are wounded, “Oh, I don’t want to do this in case Brian explodes. I don’t want to say this in case he has a short fuse on this subject,” and so on and so forth.

The fact of the matter is we can say we don’t, or we don’t align with this, or this doesn’t make sense but it does manifest itself somewhere. It’s like a gas, it’s going to escape. You either direct it or control it and give it life and then actually it can have a positive benefit, or it’ll find a way out, but it won’t be a positive benefit.

EHRMANN: There’s actually a psychological diagnosis. It’s a term. I don’t know whether they call it a disease or not, but it’s called alexithymia. A means without and it’s a Latin word. A means without, lexi means words and thymia means emotion. It’s the inability to put our emotions into words. Awful lot of men suffer from that part of it because like you said, our culture beats it out of men.

BUFFINI: Sure. To add to that one of the things that in our coaching program we found is that women also have a hard time verbalizing their emotions in this regard. Instead of being angry, we found a lot of girls we’ve coached have become passive-aggressive. Now, again, passive-aggressive behavior is not connected to men or women. I’ve seen this more commonly with women we’ve coached. We’ve worked with folks one on one, and they won’t manifest their anger because it’s not ladylike to lose your head and throw stuff at the walls.

However, passive-aggressive behavior is every bit as just as angry as someone who explodes. These emotions, they do go somewhere. People do take actions so it’s important. That’s why when you say, name the wounds it’s important to give it life. It’s important to name the emotion, to communicate it and to be able to speak it out and to do it in a way that has a desire for resolution as opposed to just purely venting for the sake of it, right?

EHRMANN: Yes. I would say the other thing is that when I release that energy, the emotions of crying behind that pillow, it allowed me to enter in the deeper, more intimate relationship with my brother because when my brother was laying there in the midst of his deepest needs and longing for me to help him, that freed me up to bring my emotions into the relationship as opposed to giving him some old locker room speech about suck it up.

BUFFINI: “You’re going to overcome this. You’re going to beat it. It’s the fourth quarter, you’re down by 10. You’re going to get over it. Hang in there, kid.”

EHRMANN: That’s exactly right, which is the last thing he needed. I was able to take my tears and join them with his tears. I was able to enter into the uncertainty of his wife and share that with them. It gave us a much more deeper relational process to enter in to have the fullness of a relationship and to journey together as two brothers facing death rather than me shutting down on those emotions, trying to think that was helpful.

BUFFINI: You bet. Then the next piece of this puzzle is ultimately we’re going to get into the purpose for healing in a moment. Ultimately, you releasing those feelings and those emotions and releasing that energy, increased your capacity to love. You were able to give love to your brother at his time of need because you took the step to release the emotion.

EHRMANN: It gave me a fullness to my humanity rather than some scripted person in this world.

BUFFINI: Powerful. Give us another step, Joe?

EHRMANN: We’ve gone through naming the wounds. We’ve said, we need to find someone to share with that we’ve got to keep digging deep for the truth, that we’ve got to release the energy. Then the fifth step is I don’t think we can be afraid as we go along this emotional journey. We’re going to come up with all kinds of emotions that we might not be comfortable with, emotions of sorrow or anger, desire. Raw emotions that many of us have been scripted not to feel.

I think as we come across these emotions that we may not be comfortable with, we have to learn how to be still. Don’t just react to the reaction. Sit in the presence of this new discovery, this new truth. Try not to run away from it but to enter into it. Don’t be afraid of the emotion because one of the problem is to forgive doesn’t mean to forget. In order to truly forgive and to be on this healing process, you have to understand the pain and hang on to that pain, not suppress it, deny it or ignore it.

BUFFINI: Joe, the key component here is we’re not encouraging people to find a negative emotion and to stay there in the dark place. What we’re trying to communicate here is that ultimately, there’s a journey and it’s going to be on a boat. The waves are going to get a little choppy and they’re different experiences. As you know, we have the largest person coaching company in the world. We coach thousands and thousands of people in their businesses when they go on this journey.

We have game plans built in place. 90 days into this process, they’re going to have gone through joy, excitement, enthusiasm. They’re going to get results. They’re going to feel momentum, but we actually have a game plan built in place. 90 days into it we know, they’re going to start feeling like, “My gosh, is this thing working?” Because change is hard. “Am I falling off the wagon? Is this thing going to work for me? I should have gone back to the old way I was.”

Then we continue to persevere through and they start digging through. Then they go, “I’m seeing a little improvement, but not much. I’ve had a couple of good days, but not great.” That goes on for months and months and months. We get somebody near the end of the year and all of a sudden they look back and they go, “Boy, am I in a different spot?” I think that’s one of the great things about this whole journaling that you’ve been talking about is that if you will continually journal this process, as you look back six months, nine months, a year and you go back and read your journals, you’re going to be just amazed.

Now, first of all, of what you journaled at that time, and how far you’ve come. That’s why the journaling is an objective standard. It is absolutely the most practical thing you can do, as well as the greatest catalyst for this whole healing process.

EHRMANN: Brian, as you take this journey, this emotional journey, you’re going to have good days and bad days. There are going to be days where you have intense, the emotional thoughts and feelings that you’re not going to be comfortable with. What you have to do then is challenge the belief that triggered that emotion. Think about the saying in this culture that men don’t cry. Who said that? Why did they say that? Just think about it from what happens when men do cry?

See, sometimes we’ve got to realize that that’s a false belief. That’s a false statement. When men do cry, it brings out all of their emotions and allows them to connect and relate and enter into relationships in a much deeper, more fuller way. What you want to do is challenge the belief of that emotion. Confront the reality of that. It takes you back to step number three, you’ve got to keep digging deeper into the truth, into belief systems and see whether they’re true or whether they’re false. Don’t let emotional discomfort determine for you whether something is true or false.

BUFFINI: Right. This shouldn’t feel like this. I can’t be getting healthier. Everything hurts before it gets healthy, doesn’t it?

EHRMANN: It does.

BUFFINI: When you take a Band-Aid off and you let the air get at it, it can sting, when you put the slave or the ointment on it. You get the stitches taken out, that can hurt a little bit. People often feel like, “If I’m feeling anything uncomfortable, that can’t be a good thing.” When in fact it is. It’s kind of like a workout. There’s days when you’ll work out and it’s tough and it’s hard or it might feel like it’s a pain, but on the other side is something good.

It’s like all things, you got to persevere through it because the opportunity to love and be loved is so strong. The opportunity to be living as a full human being is such a great opportunity. To live your life to its fullest is too rich an opportunity to pass up. The pain of not living a life full of love is so strong that we should avoid it at all costs, and do whatever action steps and a little bit of journaling, a little bit of self-reflection, a little bit of discomfort is not too tall a price to pay for the joy to come for living a life full of love. Won’t you agree?

EHRMANN: Absolutely.

BUFFINI: What I’m hearing you say, Joe, is that the emotional journey is going to have bumps, it’s going to have good days and bad days. That ultimately, is that when we find this intense emotion, we have to analyze what’s the belief behind that emotion? What’s the logic behind that emotion? Like you talked about on the scale of 1 to 10, how intense is that emotion? Then challenge that belief, for you was men don’t cry. Well, let’s challenge that belief. Is that belief true? As it turns out, it’s not. In fact, as you’ve shared with me many times, psychologically, young boys are more emotional than young girls. Isn’t that true?

EHRMANN: That is true.

BUFFINI: They’re designed to cry more and be more emotional, not less. Challenge the belief, the belief might not be true. Then ultimately, you have to go and find the empathy for yourself for the emotion that you’re experiencing. To do that, you go back part three, where we’ve dedicated an entire hour on how to develop empathy for yourself and ultimately, others. Give us another step Joe, in regards to the healing process.

EHRMANN: I think my concluding step would be this, you’ve got to understand that healing is a lifestyle. It’s a lifelong journey to process this.

BUFFINI: Okay.

EHRMANN: I’ve been on this journey a long time and I continue to discover old wounds, false belief systems that are connected to wounds of the past, so just stay on this journey. I was thinking about my son Barney last night at dinner. He comes home after a sporting event, a game that he had played in, and he’s sharing with me this story about his coach after the game had this total meltdown, started screaming and hollering and swearing in the locker room, challenging and confronting the team, confronting their masculinity, their person-hood, their very integrity in a game that they won, but they only won by two goals.

Barney sharing this story with me, and then he told me that he had put his head in the locker in the midst of this because he wanted to respect the coach for his position, not for his demonstration. He put his head in his locker because he couldn’t control his laughter of how foolish this was.

BUFFINI: Right.

EHRMANN: I thought, what a wonderful, wonderful testimony not only to him but a result of my own personal journey in life.

BUFFINI: The coach is having the meltdown, tearing the locker apart, and Barney’s cracking himself up because he can see how foolish he is being because that coach is not pushing his buttons because that button doesn’t exist. What a testimony to this whole process that not only have you worked through this process in your own healing, but now you’ve developed a young man who’s so secure in himself, that those buttons couldn’t be pushed by his coach.

That this tantrum look like what it is, which is the six-year-old boy that the coach is still dealing with in his own life is having a kicking, hissy fit in the middle of a locker room, and he can’t get his way, banging on the lockers and throwing stuff and cussing and carrying on like a spoiled child. Your 17-year-old son is laughing because he sees this pre-adolescent boy having a meltdown in the body of a man who’s called a coach.

EHRMANN: Yes. He sitting at my table told me that story, and I’m thinking, “He’s on this great journey of becoming the man and a better man than I was and a better man that I will be.

BUFFINI: Right, and how great a testimony. That’s the hope of this whole process because ultimately, as we heal ourselves, it has an opportunity to impact many other people. Who do we want to impact more than our family? Who do we want to impact more than the ones we love? As we increase our capacity to love and be loved, ultimately what this process of healing leads us to is what’s the purpose of it? It’s not just so that we’re all, “I’m okay. You’re okay.” It ultimately has a purpose far beyond ourselves.

Maybe you could just share a few minutes to give hope to our listeners here today of what the purpose of healing is. What’s the end result? Where does it take them to? Barney is a great example. Maybe I should have him on the interview here today, but maybe you could share a little bit of the purpose of healing and what it ultimately looks like.

EHRMANN: The purpose of this whole healing journey entering into the woundedness is so that we can become full human beings, so that we are people that know how to love and to be loved. We can develop relationships. We can be successful as husbands and wives and fathers and mothers and friends and coworkers and laborers in this world. We can take those that we are close with and intimately love them in a more deeper, personal, other-centered life-giving kind of way.

We can enter this world and wherever we see pain and suffering and apathy and indifference in this world, we can walk into that with empathy, being able to understand the pain and the suffering. The end result of that is the second part of our definition of what it means to be a human. It’s not just about relationships, but it’s also about some kind of transcendent cause. Being able to make the world a better place because you live because you love because you process your stuff. Now you can go speak into whatever suffering is in this world and make it a much better place.

BUFFINI: So you can find your purpose-

EHRMANN: You can find your purpose.

BUFFINI: -and why you’re here, whatever that unique and personal journey is. I was thinking about this whole purpose of healing as I’ve gone through this process is as you describe in experiencing full relationships and ultimately finding that transcendent cause. Not only does I believe this translate into the deep personal one-on-one relationships with our family, our loved ones, our friends, but also acquaintance-type relationships.

As you become healthier, when you get to the checkout stand and your flight’s been canceled, you’re less likely to have the meltdown anger explosion with the person at the checkout counter because you’re a healthier person. When you’re at the restaurant and your food is not quite right, you’re less likely to have the meltdown. When you check into the hotel and they don’t have your room reservation, or when things go wrong or when they didn’t quite take care of your car the way you wanted them to, when all those everyday relationships that you have in our lives today. That it is a healthier life because not only with the people you love but those people you come in contact with.

As we talk about this process of healing, we talked about naming the wounds, identify them, understand them, and secondarily find someone to share these wounds with and these emotions with. Number three, Joe talked about dig deep and mine for the truth. Remember, you have to question the beliefs behind the emotions. Are they true? Is it okay for men to cry? Number four, release those feelings and release that energy. Just like fire, that energy can heat your house and cook your food or it can burn your house down. You do have those emotions; whether you direct them or whether they direct you, that’s your choice.

The fifth point was that this is an emotional journey. Don’t be afraid. Don’t be apprehensive. There’s good days, there’s bad days, there’s hard days, and there’s days of silence when nothing seems to be working and nothing seems to be going on. Ultimately, you got to persevere. The opportunity is too great. Then lastly, that healing becomes a lifestyle. It becomes part of who you are, not just something you do. You’re able to process things during the course of a day. “Well, why do I think that? Why am I feeling this right now?”

You’ll be actually able to process as you’re experiencing things. There’s going to be good days. There’s going to be bad days. There’s no need to be afraid. The emotional journey will be the gamut of all the emotions that a human being experiences. Excitement, exhilaration, frustration, fear, anger, resentment, all of these different emotions will manifest themselves. This is nothing to be afraid of. Just keep persevering through the opportunity to live life as a fully engaged human being, to have relationships that are filled full of love.

The capacity to be loved is too high of an opportunity to pass up. The other dynamic is if you don’t enter into this journey and don’t persevere, the negative energy from not living a life full of love and not having the capacity to be fully loved will manifest itself in your life. Healing is a lifestyle and maybe you too can be like Barney, that ultimately when somebody else is having negative empathy, you’re ultimately able to not have it impact you, not have it affect you because you know where it’s coming from.

Continue in this process by journaling your thoughts. Write every day in your journal, write those emotions down, write for an audience of one, and write in the stream of consciousness.

LALLY: Powerful stuff. When you continue on this healing process, it will lead you to an opportunity to experience fuller relationships in your life, and ultimately find your transcendent cause and the purpose of your life.

Thanks for joining us for part four of How to Love and Be Loved. Be sure to join us for part five as Brian and Joe discuss experiencing full relationships.

Until next time, I’ll leave you with the Irish blessing from Brian’s mom, Therese.

THERESE BUFFINI: May the road rise up to meet you, and may the wind always be at your back. May the rain fall soft upon your fields, and sun shine warm upon your face. And until we meet again, may God hold you in the hollow of his hand. See you next time as Joe and Brian talk about how to experience full relationships.